My voice is hoarse right now. Hoarse as death. I need to pick up a book and study I will in a bit, I promise 😉
Last night was a great night of two vastly different social situations. One, with my tight knit group of friends in Silverlake over a happy hour that extended 5+ hours and 2 bars. I was so nervous to go to an agency party because the two people that I knew who are also a part of it were not going to be there. I am socially anxious enough as it is but I knew that it was a good thing for me to go. I’m glad I did in the end, despite social awkwardness and what not.
I woke up this morning- not hungover- but definitely too sleepy to function. It was my last morning working as one of the mentors for a drama class in a charter school downtown LA. The past few Saturdays have been really challenging. I know I probably have joined the ranks of those who have aged themselves by saying “kids these days.” But, honestly, kids these days. I’m sure people said the exact same thing about my generation. The part I loved was connecting one on one with the students I was assigned to mentor. But every Saturday, amongst my three students initially assigned to me, only one consistently came. There’s seriously so much going on in high school, I had forgotten how crazy extra curricular and requirements could be at times. But connecting with the material and doing that through getting to know the kids- that part was awesome. It’s just pretty cool to not have to worry about my ridiculous anxieties for a couple hours every Saturday and just be more present through someone else’s victories. It all sounds much easier now as I write about it in hindsight, but we definitely had our stressful moments in this process.
I am still feeling the doubts and stresses that cloud my mind. It’s so crazy how amazing I feel one day or for a few days, then I sink into the worst self doubt and shaming for another period of time. Will I ever get to a point where I don’t have these things weighing on me anymore- it’s just overwhelming and stressful at times. Maybe better to accept it’s presence and just breathe amidst it as opposed to fight it?
Give yourself a little more self worth today than that other day. It’s okay to have fun. It’s okay to let go- that’s hard for you. Would it not feel so good though to let go, to not think anymore and to get out of yourself?”
I feel it’s still January of this year. Or at least the first quarter of this year. I feel like I’m just getting started. When I first arrived in LA the momentum I experienced was pretty awesome. It was just a surge of nice opportunities that came with the rush of arriving here I guess. 3 years in, however, and man, I feel the fatigue (?) of my first chapter here. Where is that bright naive twenty something who walked in here with so much heart?! Still here I’m sure, but can I feel fresh again? sike.
Every year for my birthday since moving here, there was always a little “gift” the Universe would give me. This year was the first time that didn’t happen. LOL. Perhaps I had jinxed it by anticipating it. But perhaps the gift was the bigger picture. The bigger picture that some times are really great, and some aren’t- but what can we do in the mean time to be happy within that.
I’ve heard the statement “You have to live your life” quite often. I’m glad to have done some of that this year including an amazing trip to Europe with my family. I wish I could return to Croatia and Dubrovnik specifically. Italy was amazing too. I can’t even believe I went to Bosnia and Herzegovina. I wish I could have snuck a trip back home that’s for sure. I took quite a few long drives outside LA as well, which I loved and would gladly do again. I’ve strengthened certain friendships and sadly drifted apart from some.
Across the world right now, Christmas traffic, decorations and music are painting the town. It’s close to another year ending. I cannot. wait. to. go. home.
“Let Me Love You Tonight”- 2007/2008
A lot of fighting, so much laughing. Youth. Some of the best times of my life and loved everyone despite the conflicts. I was so melodramatic as well, still am, but had less control!
Let Me Love You Tonight- First Single
I will sing to the Lord for as long as I live” Psalms 104:33
“He stared outside his car window. The weather muggy, the landscape grey. What’s scares him more than anything is the sound of monotony. The motions too familiar. He stood off stage and panicked. Not because of stage fright. Not because of having to prove anything to anyone- which was rare (he always feels he has something to prove). He panicked because he felt empty. Like he had given it all for years. He craved to get lost in a world he didn’t know- a world that didn’t know him. Perhaps he had forgotten how. When he has the urge to do just that, a reasoning occurs. A reasoning of fear, laziness, a lack of forgiveness. When was the last time he had felt he had more than the constant haze. It is a tug of war of depression and resisting just that. If he could cry a river- he would. That’s been blocked a long time ago. Maybe not even blocked, but had just lost the triggers to allow for it. He felt on top at eighteen. Could that promise be captured again or is that pure delusion?”
To re-write this story- the following would have happened. He would have a wonderful father who tempted his mother. There would be no violence or weapons in the house. There would only be good nights of dinners and the house would feel warm and bright all the time. There would be no demand from excellence. Doing his best would be enough. There would be no coming in between fights, semi strangling and seeing bruises (the huge ones). There would be no sexual confusion. There would be no temptation, no evil from 13 up. It would be a simple Manila upbringing- with school, friends, college, a regular job, a relationship and onward. It would be that. I could go back and settle for that. “
I need patience.
I’ve rewritten this entry numerous times to no avail. I didn’t want to come across like an arrogant prick.
Acceptance. No questioning. Just accept. Please.
“Loneliness had become her friend. Anxiety was a constant. Lex was a fix difficult to accept. Days are amazing. Nights are amazing. Weeks can be shit. Months can be as well. Self help is temporary. Therapy is annoying, stagnant, helpful. The ‘fog’ is there. She wishes it wasn’t. But it is. She’s not morbid. Just sad.”
Exhaustion. Hits. Now. 12:29 am. Worked 2 jobs today- worlds away from each other. Better to be busy. Better to make money. Than sit in idle-ness- an all too familiar black hole I sink into. If I learned anything this year- it’s to do everything I can to counter that.
On another note- it is always wonderful seeing people from home. Even those who I haven’t gotten so close to- but met up with here- there’s a familiarity that I find comfort in. It’s even in the small details- someone’s intonation or the way they phrase something in tagalog/taglish. That- and Japanese beers- always a good combination.
If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy , then the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.”- C.S. Lewis
I apologize. Granted, it’s been ingrained in me. I grew up having to walk into a room- almost apologizing for my being there. I was also always made to feel as if anything I did that wasn’t good enough warranted an apology.
I still sink into this habit- not as much as before- but I do. Last night, I was just off. I felt off going into it. I apologized after- and it was completely unnecessary. It’s a class, it’s a work in progress. Yet, I apologized- why?
I can get into a million reasons as to why I resist giving myself actual worth. The point is- f**k it all. I’ve always put on a pretty brave front and I am a fighter.
nothing can bring you peace but yourself
Can I seriously just go to the UK and watch artists?
Say You Love Me