3 years

I saw a play over the weekend.  It was pretty damn awesome.  “Wood Boy Dog Fish.”  I did a show with one of the main actors 3 years ago (my first acting job in LA).  He invited us to watch a performance- and most of us were able to come out to watch and support.  Although I never got super close to the cast on a  personal level (working together professionally was amazing and I was an understudy so I wasn’t present in the process as much)- the memories of my first show upon moving here and the working on the amazing material itself- I can’t help but feel nostalgic.

I also see how far my fellow artists have come.  My God.  As in.  They have done a lot.  The prospect is exciting for me as I feel I was able to work with them therefore I can be on the same playing field- but at the same time I’m like will I ever?  Will I ever even get close to that point?  I almost feel like when I first got here- being so naive and oblivious to the entire process of building a career was “better” in a way since I was just going for things blindly and just giving myself to it.  Whereas now, I’m a little more guarded- which isn’t entirely a bad thing.  But I can’t help but miss that aspect of who I was when I had first got here.

But on to a new year coming up.  It’s gonna be December already.  I’m kind of looking forward to moving forward.  L O L. #kilig.

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11/27

I love this time of year.  Yun lang.  Granted, my depression has been fluctuating like maaaaaadddd.  Probably feeling a mix of anxiety and that since it almost is the end of the year.  This year was so fast- and I spent most of it longing, hoping and getting frustrated more than anything.  As much as it was circumstantial, it was also self induced.  There was a sense of a lack of control and dependency on situations and circumstance to make things better- when in reality only I can do that for myself.

On another note, Thanksgiving was yesterday.  Having not grown up in the U.S.- it’s a newer concept to me and to be honest, I don’t know the roots of the celebration at all.  It was a working holiday for me as well since I did have to go into work for around 6 hours which wasn’t too bad but I did get exhausted at a certain point.  You would think people would be a little more generous on a holiday- but I guess not.  Lol.  I did follow to a family dinner- my aunts and uncles’ after.  So that was a good way to end the night.

I’ve been alone for such a long time now too.  I’m so used to it and strangely comfortable with it.  It’s been a long time since I’ve been in a relationship that was sadly over before it was over- and when it was technically over- it ended in an unfortunate way.  Looking back, I was so young and vulnerable when I had entered that- I should have listened to the person actually- when they expressed that they weren’t ready.  In the three years since I’ve moved to this city, I’ve never really head over heels liked anyone yet.  Is this because of age- or simply not being in the right situation yet.  Online dating is a whole ‘other story.  Not that there’s anything in that department that has really taken off either.  But I think that the comfort and security I have of being by myself is strangely safe already.  I guess on my part as well, there is a sense of insecurity on my part in meeting someone.  Worrying, if I what I have to say will at best be even mildly entertaining.

I am so groggy today.  I literally got moving at two in the afternoon.

I will not divulge into how much DRAMA I induced upon myself yesterday.  I can be so disgustingly negative sometimes I can’t deal.  So.  Gross.

I felt bad, really, really bad.  But you know what… Shit happens. Right?  Unexpectedly and in the grand scheme of things- it’s one moment of just being bad.  One bad moment.  If only I could feel and chalk it up to just that- I know, I am so immensely dramatic. Lolz.

On that note though- there are great things that are still present even in shitty moments.  Such as the assistant present in that moment who was literally giving me EVERYTHING and made me feel better.  Will not forget him.  Thank you.

As well as the spontaneous hanging out of friends which definitely took me out of wallowing.  That still is some divine intervention saving me somehow.  After having to get my car- which was in maintenance for a good 6/7 hours (wtf)- I just had amazing bitching/bonding sessions from coffee all the way til midnight in Hollywood.  So you know- it didn’t turn out to be such an awful day in the end.

It’s funny how I put my entire year- and frustrations in one moment.  That is just so brutal and unfair and in the grand scheme of things not the biggest deal. At all.

soon.

I have been out way too much this past week.  It has been absolutely great seeing everyone- I guess it’s really that time of year when I cannot stop eating, working out then eating again and re connecting.  Not to mention- it seems a lot of my friends are scorpios and their birthdays all happened within a week of each other.  Absolutely crazy.

My lethargic-ness and ability to be so lazy for an entire morning when I don’t have anything lined up- is so so gross.  I really need to get back into a routine every morning even for the sake of FEELING productive.

I am going home soon.  The combination of anxiety and excitement is coming back.  I haven’t been out of the country since the middle of the year.  That was truly a wonderful experience getting to visit Croatia, Herzegovina and Italy (in a week).  I do feel this trip will be rather different compared to the last ones for whatever reason.  The comfort and security of Manila is unlike any other.  Where has the year gone?  I have gone through a certain monotony pattern in my life where I am very much willing and ready to break from.  Am I too lazy/afraid to make that step myself?  Or do I really believe I’m doing everything I can?  I can’t tell if the complacency I feel and lack of panic (which I lived on throughout a majority of my 20’s) is a good/bad thing.  I am not used to it.  Or maybe, I just need to face the fact I am getting older. Sigh…

yes/no.

Thank God I said yes and saw a project through.  The process was absolutely horrendous.  However, the actual product and people I met through it- wonderful.  It was a great reminder to me as well on a personal note.  I had not felt that rush and that happy in awhile.

It’s getting harder saying yes to things I sometimes feel I should not be doing anymore- that sounds cocky I know.  Maybe it’s age?  Maybe it’s just where I am at.  It is a far cry from years ago when I would jump at anything.  L O L.  On that note, I said yes to something I should have just said NO to from the get go.  It is tomorrow and I can’t wait for it to be over.  Wow.  What. a. mess.  Well it just lasts until tomorrow.

I think i honestly just said yes to that as a means to fill my time.  Yes, I have regular work, but getting caught in that and doing that constantly (as enjoyable as it can be- and I really shouldn’t complain for a relatively easy job that gets me by)- depresses me.  Hence, my saying yes to things so easily- which sometimes turns out really awesome, and sometimes (like the one tomorrow)- does not.

On another note, listening to Adele’s 25 like the rest of this universe.

There’s just been too much that’s happened in the last week.  I am not one to normally comment publicly on a social media platform my political/social opinions.  I am by no means apathetic and left unaffected by the situation.  I simply have never felt comfortable speaking about my opinions openly.  Perhaps this is something that will evolve with time.

I was never one to pick up fast on understanding the technicalities of a judicial/political platform.  That is not how I learned and built opinions on these types of situations

Growing up I felt I middled both worlds.  I did go to a private school in a third world country.  I did live in a subdivision (gated community).  However, I was also raised single handedly by a mom who had worked for a long time in social work (specifically the government’s National Housing Authority office).  While her understanding of government is vast, given that she worked for a government office, she spent less time discussing the technicalities of this, rather talked about her experiences on a personal level- on the field- in projects that were grueling and huge undertakings.  She would tell me stories of her experiences from relocating entire communities of people, to her building a refugee camp (as a transition point for the Vietnamese decades ago- their resilience, she recalls was unlike any other).  She exposed my brother and I as well to certain trips (like going to the children’s ward of Philippines’ General Hospital- which we still do).  This was quite normal to me, that when the school had an outreach field trip, I sometimes wondered what made that a field trip since I assumed families did this.

If there is one thing I can take from what she had exposed me to, and through her stories, it is- humanity.  Simply, that.  I see so many posts on Facebook that are baffling.  It is such a sensitive time and what really IS the right thing to say, the right thing to do?  That’s where I stand.  I’m honestly caught in the question.  It is all very very confusing and painful.  I wish I could offer wisdom or even pose a better question as I see so many others do.  But this is simply the point I am at right now and I don’t know, I simply do not know 😦

 

momentary coincidence.

It’s just been a crazy week guys.  Anything and everything that could have happened, pretty much happened.  Monday was a chill day- after a crazy work schedule over the weekend it was a chill night of drinks with a friend at the Pikey.  I was scrolling through old pictures on my phone to find a photo to show my friend about someone in Manila I was trying to describe.  I found the photo- and upon finding it, I came across old albums as well.  This led me to want to take a screenshot of one of my best friends and I that I found when we were 21 (?).  I do this often with friends, take screenshots of random musings on line that I think they’ll find funny.  I didn’t end up taking the screenshot, figuring I’d just hit my friend up later and send it then as an old find.  After saying good bye and walking back to my car, I get a text message from the same friend I had been thinking about, and had found the photo of- saying that her mom had passed.  After 20 seconds of shock, I called her immediately.

I believe in certain moments in life where there’s something bigger that is with us, speaking to us and present.  I know that coming across the said photo minutes before I got the very disheartening news through text could have been pure coincidence.  But at the same time, I know in some small way, there was a reason for that.  I had a nostalgic moment in thought of my friend, one of my best friends where I missed more than I normally did- simply for the fact that the photo was at the beginning of our friendship.  It made me, if anything, miss her and just want to talk to her a little bit more than usual.  I had no idea that a few minutes later, I absolutely without question had to speak with her.

I cannot imagine or even express how sorry I am for what has happened in this situation.  I am also, unfortunately, not the person who’s the best with words when it comes to this.  But for the past few days, I really have been thinking about it and I’m so sorry.  I’m so so sorry.  I love my friend so much and as she has always been here for me and I for her, that will always remain and I only wish I could physically be there for her right now.

“Come to Your Senses”

As connected as I am- I’m so far off it’s not even funny.  Lol.  It’s fine.  I’ve always been a little bit of an “outsider” in some way.  It’s not an all too bad place to be.  As one day combines into the next and it’s not as clear as it used to be- as the time simply speeds up like there’s no stopping- I keep chasing- but I feel more exhausted than ever now.  Ugh.  What the fuck? Seriously.  This doesn’t happen to me.

tick

On another note- the musical “Tick, Tick Boom!” is amazing.  Based on the life of composer Jonathan Larson (Rent)- it’s an autobiographical look at his life building up to the creation of his masterpiece.  I became familiar with the show in 2009 for personal reasons.  But the journey I had with the show was something so special and it’s one of those pieces that stays with you no matter what.  I would absolutely recommend for anyone to listen to it from top to bottom.  In many ways it’s one of those “millennial” type shows- but I feel there’s a way to connect with the material on many levels.

Today was an absolute debauchery of food!  From poke to scones to pasta.  I can’t even deal with myself right now.  All good though, all good.  Can’t regret right now.

Love is passé in this day and age.  How can we expect it to grow?”- Come to Your Senses- Tick, Tick… Boom!”

I’ve found myself in a very defensive state of mind lately- not one that I am necessarily proud of.  People are constantly trying to help me and give me good advice, but I’ve been very resistant.  It’s the exact kind of person acting in a way that I would be very annoyed with.  I also feel I’ve been extremely bratty with my faith.  Which above everything, is probably what I feel worst about.  Looking at myself- what upsets me is that because I’m not getting what I want, I act out.  I act out on Him, I act out on those who love me.  I don’t want to take things to suppress my feelings and what I am going through necessarily, because as I have done that in the past, the numbness is just as bad and I guess the artist or drama in me would rather feel something.

How can I be open to something new that easily when I’ve focused and held on to what I’ve aimed for and dreamt of for so long?  Even if that idea is now dawning on me, the sadness and pain that goes with that is very scary.  But at the same time, if there was something gained this year, it’s that I cannot wait anymore.  I can’t wait for things to change for me.  I honestly don’t ever feel like I did.  I’ve always been one to keep things moving and finding things to propel me forward in whatever it is I do.

My mom always told me that I run.  When things haven’t worked out for me in the past- in whatever capacity, I’d run.  I won’t lie when I say a part of me has thought of quitting my job and finishing my lease, selling the car and moving back home.  Again, first world problems at its finest.  But when I do go home, what will that fix?  I don’t think the outside circumstances are the factors that will change things.  It really is me.

The temptation for me to always lie down and not have to face the world and get lost in the world of the internet and what not is so prevalent.  It takes an extra amount of effort to me to force myself into a routine of getting up early every morning (which I’ve been doing and that’s helped tremendously) and on the days that are not as busy as others- find ways to keep myself going.

There will always, always be reminders for me about the past.  There will always be little things I see everyday that make me question the direction I have taken.  These questions are good though for me to ask- where am I really supposed to be, REALLY supposed to be?  I have no effing idea lol.  So much changed in me this year- and I’m trying to why exactly I am right here. hay. buhay. chos. 🙂

Proverbs 19:21″