I’ve found myself in a very defensive state of mind lately- not one that I am necessarily proud of.  People are constantly trying to help me and give me good advice, but I’ve been very resistant.  It’s the exact kind of person acting in a way that I would be very annoyed with.  I also feel I’ve been extremely bratty with my faith.  Which above everything, is probably what I feel worst about.  Looking at myself- what upsets me is that because I’m not getting what I want, I act out.  I act out on Him, I act out on those who love me.  I don’t want to take things to suppress my feelings and what I am going through necessarily, because as I have done that in the past, the numbness is just as bad and I guess the artist or drama in me would rather feel something.

How can I be open to something new that easily when I’ve focused and held on to what I’ve aimed for and dreamt of for so long?  Even if that idea is now dawning on me, the sadness and pain that goes with that is very scary.  But at the same time, if there was something gained this year, it’s that I cannot wait anymore.  I can’t wait for things to change for me.  I honestly don’t ever feel like I did.  I’ve always been one to keep things moving and finding things to propel me forward in whatever it is I do.

My mom always told me that I run.  When things haven’t worked out for me in the past- in whatever capacity, I’d run.  I won’t lie when I say a part of me has thought of quitting my job and finishing my lease, selling the car and moving back home.  Again, first world problems at its finest.  But when I do go home, what will that fix?  I don’t think the outside circumstances are the factors that will change things.  It really is me.

The temptation for me to always lie down and not have to face the world and get lost in the world of the internet and what not is so prevalent.  It takes an extra amount of effort to me to force myself into a routine of getting up early every morning (which I’ve been doing and that’s helped tremendously) and on the days that are not as busy as others- find ways to keep myself going.

There will always, always be reminders for me about the past.  There will always be little things I see everyday that make me question the direction I have taken.  These questions are good though for me to ask- where am I really supposed to be, REALLY supposed to be?  I have no effing idea lol.  So much changed in me this year- and I’m trying to why exactly I am right here. hay. buhay. chos. 🙂

Proverbs 19:21″

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2 thoughts on “

  1. You already did more than what most people (including me) have done and that was you made the choice to pursue your dream. Do things get easier? Sometimes yes and sometimes no. There will be amazing days that you would feel like you are on top of the world and there would be days that you feel like hiding under your covers for rest of your life but the important thing you must not forget is not to give up. Keep going Jaime! Even though things get tough, just keep going. I believe you’re destined to do great things and I hope to be a witness to it when it happens. Until then whenever you feel tired about everything I want to leave you with an excerpt of a article I read online that helped me and I hope it does the same thing for you.

    “We all get exhausted. We all get discouraged. And we’re allowed to work on through those feelings. Just because you’re beaten down and worn out and sick of the life that you’re living doesn’t mean you’re not making a change. Every person you have ever admired has had times where they felt utterly defeated in the pursuit of their dreams. But that didn’t prevent them from reaching them. You’re allowed to stumble slowly towards your biggest transformations. It doesn’t always have to be a blazing, flagrant affair.

    Some parts of life happen quietly. They happen slowly. They happen because of the small, careful choices that we make everyday, that turn us into better versions of ourselves. We have to allow ourselves the time to let those alterations happen. To watch them evolve. To not grow hopelessly frustrated in the in-between.

    When you’re tired, go slowly. Go quietly. Go timidly. But do not stop. You are tired for all the right reasons. You are tired because you’re supposed to be. You’re tired because you’re making a change. You are exhausted for all the right reasons and it’s only an indication to go on. You are tired because you’re growing. And someday that growth will give way to the exact rejuvenation that you need.” – Heidi Priebe (Read This When You’re Tired Of Everything, 2015)

    Liked by 1 person

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