I’ve found myself in a very defensive state of mind lately- not one that I am necessarily proud of. People are constantly trying to help me and give me good advice, but I’ve been very resistant. It’s the exact kind of person acting in a way that I would be very annoyed with. I also feel I’ve been extremely bratty with my faith. Which above everything, is probably what I feel worst about. Looking at myself- what upsets me is that because I’m not getting what I want, I act out. I act out on Him, I act out on those who love me. I don’t want to take things to suppress my feelings and what I am going through necessarily, because as I have done that in the past, the numbness is just as bad and I guess the artist or drama in me would rather feel something.
How can I be open to something new that easily when I’ve focused and held on to what I’ve aimed for and dreamt of for so long? Even if that idea is now dawning on me, the sadness and pain that goes with that is very scary. But at the same time, if there was something gained this year, it’s that I cannot wait anymore. I can’t wait for things to change for me. I honestly don’t ever feel like I did. I’ve always been one to keep things moving and finding things to propel me forward in whatever it is I do.
My mom always told me that I run. When things haven’t worked out for me in the past- in whatever capacity, I’d run. I won’t lie when I say a part of me has thought of quitting my job and finishing my lease, selling the car and moving back home. Again, first world problems at its finest. But when I do go home, what will that fix? I don’t think the outside circumstances are the factors that will change things. It really is me.
The temptation for me to always lie down and not have to face the world and get lost in the world of the internet and what not is so prevalent. It takes an extra amount of effort to me to force myself into a routine of getting up early every morning (which I’ve been doing and that’s helped tremendously) and on the days that are not as busy as others- find ways to keep myself going.
There will always, always be reminders for me about the past. There will always be little things I see everyday that make me question the direction I have taken. These questions are good though for me to ask- where am I really supposed to be, REALLY supposed to be? I have no effing idea lol. So much changed in me this year- and I’m trying to why exactly I am right here. hay. buhay. chos. 🙂