I find it so easy for myself to spiral into how I am at my worst. Ugh. I miss my dogs and the comfort of home and the confidence I had at 18. I don’t want to need. I don’t want to beg.
For more, I’m sitting at a mall in the valley (where I had one of my first jobs when I moved here. Of all the places lol.
How do I know for real though? Like REALLY know?
Wow. It has been awhile. I was gone. I was so excited to get the hell out of LA. The time just flew by and now I’m battling with a little jet lag. Nothing too bad. I go to work- mostly at night- which helps actually because it keeps me up as opposed to going to bed by 5 pm. L o l. I am awake super early in the morning though and try so hard to sleep again and get up at a decent hour.
First day back was awesome. Had a reading that day and my friend, Sam’s birthday at Brass Monkey- where memories are made (I think that was our 3rd or 4th time back). I would say homesickness and all of that hit maybe the day after that. Not to mention some drama back home which was also a constant in my mind. But speaking of home.
How can I sum up my Manila trip 2015? Well first and foremost. Home is Manila. Manila is home. LA is home, the difference is that it has become home. No matter how much time I spend away from Manila, there’s such a comfort being in the city. I love my house. I love my dogs. I love my family. I love spending time with my extended family (a select number), I love my friends.
I would say our holiday nights go like this (as I’ve noticed the past few years I’ve been home): we all go to family parties/obligations, then meet up later. This happened to me literally the entire two weeks I was there. It was a constant flow of champagne, food and conversation. That’s what I missed the most- the conversation. I would literally be in rooftops, friends’ condos, coffee shops talking for hours on end catching up with both friends I’ve maintained touch with and some not as much. Not saying that I don’t have good friends in LA, I’ve made some incredible life long friendships in my last few years here, but I also know that we’re just very focused on whatever it is we’re doing. Life in America is just… I don’t know I’m trying to make it in America on a daily basis… literally. haha.
There were moments where I was just tempted at the idea of just dropping everything and going back home. I know the allure of it was also partly because this was a vacation. I constantly need to remind myself of that. There were no worries of work or trying to do anything. I enjoyed that. I enjoyed the “nothingness” <insert #heidegger> sike. It was just pleasant. An escape of sorts from the frustration that I’ve been dealing with and questioning my place and purpose in Big Picture of things.
I find in some ways I’m just escaping from dealing with what’s really at hand a lot of the time by not thinking about it.
I’ve returned to LA this year more scared than I have before. Yun na muna at yun lang muna ang masasabi ko.