The waiting is agonizing. The meaning I put into something so small overwhelms me. As of today, I need to let that hold go.
I did this to myself. I can only undo it. There was a void filled- one that I got used to. But it wasn’t real. The feelings were real. For me, they were. But I was never, for one second, delusional about the situation.
So, I’ll find comfort in the fact that I’ll let it go. Slowly, surely. Hopefully, it’ll go where it’s supposed to, what I can give.
The past month has stressed me out more than I have ever been since I moved to the States. Things had been unearthed that I could not control, for the simple fact that I was not in Manila to be there to mediate situations. I’ve never been more evasive yet involved at the same time. I felt my faith re awakened, jolted daily as THAT was the only thing I could hold on to. I’d never felt I wanted calm so badly up until now. Even though things have subsided (for now), I live in the constant anxiety of the next trigger.