Last night, before I head downtown, after putting myself through another anxiety ridden audition (which turned out well regardless of outcome)- I downed two old fashioned drinks. I was nervous to meet you. Over texting and brief phone calls, I had already felt a sweetness and connection. While everything around me is so instant, these little gestures touched me. In recent days when I’d been struck with feeling lost and in despair, I felt an openness to anything.
I met you. I had an idea- as I had already stalked who you might be. I found a way to find your last name and see you. Was I attracted? I was not sure when I got there. I wanted to be, but I couldn’t force myself to. This isn’t because you aren’t handsome or attractive, no, not at all. But I didn’t feel connected with who I had been in touch with the last few days through the words on my phone.
No drinks this date. Which in the end, I was grateful for. The few dates I’ve had previously, the alcohol preceded anything else. The altered state was whom we had gotten to know. You talked. I listened. You shared with me. You were open. You had a charm, a self deprecation, a vulnerability. You shared things with me that were completely honest about your life. Things one wouldn’t share when they first meet someone. You shared stories that were tragically funny. You smiled through the pain. You were smiling.
The night was perfect. The backdrop was perfect. The way you had held my hand and even held me was perfect. The words you had said to me touched me because it there was something so giving in the encounter. In a city where I can isolate myself, those words and actions spoke volumes to me.
While everything seemed right and perfect- it was simply that. There wasn’t the intangible thought of wanting to see each other again. Rather, hesitating and wondering “if” we should.
I spent the next day feeling overwhelmed for whatever reason. It wasn’t until I had spoken to a friend who helped me figure out the reason I had felt that way was because I had encountered someone who had been that sweet to me and I didn’t expect that. Despite the lack of attraction and connection- probably on both our parts, I was touched by something I hadn’t encountered in a long time. In the words of tita Cynthia Alexander (chos)- Woke up this morning I was staring at the ceiling Cracks and roadmaps and landscapes and highways I have seen I have been To places far and deep in my mind Only to find Comfort in Your Strangeness