I can compliment you all the time. I can tell you how good you look. How amazing you are. How talented you are. That’s all it is a lot of the time. I’m still unseen. I know that you won’t see me that way- it’s impossible. I am crazy to cling on to any sense of hope.
Yet, maybe it’s the monotony of my current situation that keeps you on my mind. That keeps me thinking about you. I still like you (gagging at myself).
I am going to visit home in a few weeks. I should be very excited. I am, I will be. There is a lot of nostalgia on life 10 years ago. The parties. My God, the way we partied back then. I cringe at the thought of how I was back then. How reckless it all was and hilarious. I realize how temporary those times are. How so many moments I’d lived through in the past were so magnified- then gone. The Manila years in my early twenties were a rush. I could go back just to recall and relive the hot mess I was back then- simply for the fun of it.
I long for change, for excitement. I feel God with me. I feel Him present in a way that I haven’t let in for a long time. I realize how much it’s how we, or how I resist Him. When He’s always here. I’ve turned away. A lot. It’s making more sense now.