I can compliment you all the time.  I can tell you how good you look.  How amazing you are.  How talented you are.  That’s all it is a lot of the time.  I’m still unseen. I know that you won’t see me that way- it’s impossible.  I am crazy to cling on to any sense of hope.

Yet, maybe it’s the monotony of my current situation that keeps you on my mind.  That keeps me thinking about you.  I still like you (gagging at myself).

I am going to visit home in a few weeks.  I should be very excited.  I am, I will be.  There is a lot of nostalgia on life 10 years ago.  The parties.  My God, the way we partied back then.  I cringe at the thought of how I was back then.  How reckless it all was and hilarious. I realize how temporary those times are.  How so many moments I’d lived through in the past were so magnified- then gone.  The Manila years in my early twenties were a rush.  I could go back just to recall and relive the hot mess I was back then- simply for the fun of it.

I long for change, for excitement.  I feel God with me.  I feel Him present in a way that I haven’t let in for a long time.  I realize how much it’s how we, or how I resist Him.  When He’s always here.  I’ve turned away.  A lot.  It’s making more sense now.