I find it so easy for myself to spiral into how I am at my worst.  Ugh.  I miss my dogs and the comfort of home and the confidence I had at 18. I don’t want to need. I don’t want to beg.

For more, I’m sitting at a mall in the valley (where I had one of my first jobs when I moved here.  Of all the places lol.

How do I know for real though? Like REALLY know?

First post.

Wow.  It has been awhile.  I was gone.  I was so excited to get the hell out of LA.  The time just flew by and now I’m battling with a little jet lag.  Nothing too bad.  I go to work- mostly at night- which helps actually because it keeps me up as opposed to going to bed by 5 pm.  L o l.  I am awake super early in the morning though and try so hard to sleep again and get up at a decent hour.

First day back was awesome.  Had a reading that day and my friend, Sam’s birthday at Brass Monkey- where memories are made (I think that was our 3rd or 4th time back).  I would say homesickness and all of that hit maybe the day after that.  Not to mention some drama back home which was also a constant in my mind.  But speaking of home.

How can I sum up my Manila trip 2015?  Well first and foremost.  Home is Manila.  Manila is home.  LA is home, the difference is that it has become home.  No matter how much time I spend away from Manila, there’s such a comfort being in the city.  I love my house.  I love my dogs.  I love my family.  I love spending time with my extended family (a select number), I love my friends.

I would say our holiday nights go like this (as I’ve noticed the past few years I’ve been home):  we all go to family parties/obligations, then meet up later.  This happened to me literally the entire two weeks I was there.  It was a constant flow of champagne, food and conversation.  That’s what I missed the most- the conversation.  I would literally be in rooftops, friends’ condos, coffee shops talking for hours on end catching up with both friends I’ve maintained touch with and some not as much.  Not saying that I don’t have good friends in LA, I’ve made some incredible life long friendships in my last few years here, but I also know that we’re just very focused on whatever it is we’re doing.  Life in America is just… I don’t know I’m trying to make it in America on a daily basis… literally.  haha.

There were moments where I was just tempted at the idea of just dropping everything and going back home.  I know the allure of it was also partly because this was a vacation.  I constantly need to remind myself of that.  There were no worries of work or trying to do anything.  I enjoyed that.  I enjoyed the “nothingness” <insert #heidegger> sike.  It was just pleasant.  An escape of sorts from the frustration that I’ve been dealing with and questioning my place and purpose in Big Picture of things.

I find in some ways I’m just escaping from dealing with what’s really at hand a lot of the time by not thinking about it.

I’ve returned to LA this year more scared than I have before.  Yun na muna at yun lang muna ang masasabi ko.

 

 

 

 

 

December.

Yesterday was just one of those pretty cool days filled with art. and friends and bailey’s.  I hate to sound cheesy.  But it just put me in the nicest of moods.  I swear.  Gagging at myself right now.  But it really did.  Not to mention I just really love this cool weather in the late part of the year.  It does make me feel super super in the holiday mood.  The only problem is I cannot stop eating.  I feel I’ve given myself a license to eat because of the time of year plus the weather- especially at night is of no assistance in making me better about choosing what to eat.

I saw this amazing piece of theatre yesterday called “@thespeedofjake” by Jennifer Maisel and directed by one of my LA theatre mentors Jon Lawrence Rivera.  So good.  The space was in Atwater Village Theatre- very, very intimate.  So real, so honest.  It really made me miss being a part of art like that.  The kids that we had mentored as well at the charter school- were able to watch and were pretty darn participative in the Q & A which is always a delight.  To see their interest and involvement in a production- where the circumstances, writing and themes might not always be available to them- their investment in what was going on was wonderful to be a part of.  I mean, getting up on Saturday mornings to teach kids theatre who are in high school- not the easiest thing to do.  I loved the process in it’s totality, but the stress of getting them to focus and just focus- was beyond me.  I understand every generation prior to the current will always have the “when I was in high school/when I was that age we were so different, so much more focused” catchphrase.  But I felt myself thinking that and even voicing that sometimes.  I hate hearing that sometimes because in my mind, every generation has it’s time, it’s “thing”, it’s essence.  As with this one.  But from the perspective of someone trying to supervise and teach and inspire the students- it was no easy task to do that.  However, seeing them a few weeks later and seeing as to how excited they were to see us and how engaged they were in the production- I was actually like “they kinda, maybe perhaps got something out of the weeks we had worked together?”

Distill a whole year down into a day
Act like we all start over with a pristine slate
But to get yourself a new life you’ve got to give the other one away
And I’m starting to believe in the power of a name
Cause it can’t be a mistake if I just call it change

Sara Bareilles’ “December”

 

3 years

I saw a play over the weekend.  It was pretty damn awesome.  “Wood Boy Dog Fish.”  I did a show with one of the main actors 3 years ago (my first acting job in LA).  He invited us to watch a performance- and most of us were able to come out to watch and support.  Although I never got super close to the cast on a  personal level (working together professionally was amazing and I was an understudy so I wasn’t present in the process as much)- the memories of my first show upon moving here and the working on the amazing material itself- I can’t help but feel nostalgic.

I also see how far my fellow artists have come.  My God.  As in.  They have done a lot.  The prospect is exciting for me as I feel I was able to work with them therefore I can be on the same playing field- but at the same time I’m like will I ever?  Will I ever even get close to that point?  I almost feel like when I first got here- being so naive and oblivious to the entire process of building a career was “better” in a way since I was just going for things blindly and just giving myself to it.  Whereas now, I’m a little more guarded- which isn’t entirely a bad thing.  But I can’t help but miss that aspect of who I was when I had first got here.

But on to a new year coming up.  It’s gonna be December already.  I’m kind of looking forward to moving forward.  L O L. #kilig.

11/27

I love this time of year.  Yun lang.  Granted, my depression has been fluctuating like maaaaaadddd.  Probably feeling a mix of anxiety and that since it almost is the end of the year.  This year was so fast- and I spent most of it longing, hoping and getting frustrated more than anything.  As much as it was circumstantial, it was also self induced.  There was a sense of a lack of control and dependency on situations and circumstance to make things better- when in reality only I can do that for myself.

On another note, Thanksgiving was yesterday.  Having not grown up in the U.S.- it’s a newer concept to me and to be honest, I don’t know the roots of the celebration at all.  It was a working holiday for me as well since I did have to go into work for around 6 hours which wasn’t too bad but I did get exhausted at a certain point.  You would think people would be a little more generous on a holiday- but I guess not.  Lol.  I did follow to a family dinner- my aunts and uncles’ after.  So that was a good way to end the night.

I’ve been alone for such a long time now too.  I’m so used to it and strangely comfortable with it.  It’s been a long time since I’ve been in a relationship that was sadly over before it was over- and when it was technically over- it ended in an unfortunate way.  Looking back, I was so young and vulnerable when I had entered that- I should have listened to the person actually- when they expressed that they weren’t ready.  In the three years since I’ve moved to this city, I’ve never really head over heels liked anyone yet.  Is this because of age- or simply not being in the right situation yet.  Online dating is a whole ‘other story.  Not that there’s anything in that department that has really taken off either.  But I think that the comfort and security I have of being by myself is strangely safe already.  I guess on my part as well, there is a sense of insecurity on my part in meeting someone.  Worrying, if I what I have to say will at best be even mildly entertaining.

I am so groggy today.  I literally got moving at two in the afternoon.

I will not divulge into how much DRAMA I induced upon myself yesterday.  I can be so disgustingly negative sometimes I can’t deal.  So.  Gross.

I felt bad, really, really bad.  But you know what… Shit happens. Right?  Unexpectedly and in the grand scheme of things- it’s one moment of just being bad.  One bad moment.  If only I could feel and chalk it up to just that- I know, I am so immensely dramatic. Lolz.

On that note though- there are great things that are still present even in shitty moments.  Such as the assistant present in that moment who was literally giving me EVERYTHING and made me feel better.  Will not forget him.  Thank you.

As well as the spontaneous hanging out of friends which definitely took me out of wallowing.  That still is some divine intervention saving me somehow.  After having to get my car- which was in maintenance for a good 6/7 hours (wtf)- I just had amazing bitching/bonding sessions from coffee all the way til midnight in Hollywood.  So you know- it didn’t turn out to be such an awful day in the end.

It’s funny how I put my entire year- and frustrations in one moment.  That is just so brutal and unfair and in the grand scheme of things not the biggest deal. At all.

soon.

I have been out way too much this past week.  It has been absolutely great seeing everyone- I guess it’s really that time of year when I cannot stop eating, working out then eating again and re connecting.  Not to mention- it seems a lot of my friends are scorpios and their birthdays all happened within a week of each other.  Absolutely crazy.

My lethargic-ness and ability to be so lazy for an entire morning when I don’t have anything lined up- is so so gross.  I really need to get back into a routine every morning even for the sake of FEELING productive.

I am going home soon.  The combination of anxiety and excitement is coming back.  I haven’t been out of the country since the middle of the year.  That was truly a wonderful experience getting to visit Croatia, Herzegovina and Italy (in a week).  I do feel this trip will be rather different compared to the last ones for whatever reason.  The comfort and security of Manila is unlike any other.  Where has the year gone?  I have gone through a certain monotony pattern in my life where I am very much willing and ready to break from.  Am I too lazy/afraid to make that step myself?  Or do I really believe I’m doing everything I can?  I can’t tell if the complacency I feel and lack of panic (which I lived on throughout a majority of my 20’s) is a good/bad thing.  I am not used to it.  Or maybe, I just need to face the fact I am getting older. Sigh…

yes/no.

Thank God I said yes and saw a project through.  The process was absolutely horrendous.  However, the actual product and people I met through it- wonderful.  It was a great reminder to me as well on a personal note.  I had not felt that rush and that happy in awhile.

It’s getting harder saying yes to things I sometimes feel I should not be doing anymore- that sounds cocky I know.  Maybe it’s age?  Maybe it’s just where I am at.  It is a far cry from years ago when I would jump at anything.  L O L.  On that note, I said yes to something I should have just said NO to from the get go.  It is tomorrow and I can’t wait for it to be over.  Wow.  What. a. mess.  Well it just lasts until tomorrow.

I think i honestly just said yes to that as a means to fill my time.  Yes, I have regular work, but getting caught in that and doing that constantly (as enjoyable as it can be- and I really shouldn’t complain for a relatively easy job that gets me by)- depresses me.  Hence, my saying yes to things so easily- which sometimes turns out really awesome, and sometimes (like the one tomorrow)- does not.

On another note, listening to Adele’s 25 like the rest of this universe.

There’s just been too much that’s happened in the last week.  I am not one to normally comment publicly on a social media platform my political/social opinions.  I am by no means apathetic and left unaffected by the situation.  I simply have never felt comfortable speaking about my opinions openly.  Perhaps this is something that will evolve with time.

I was never one to pick up fast on understanding the technicalities of a judicial/political platform.  That is not how I learned and built opinions on these types of situations

Growing up I felt I middled both worlds.  I did go to a private school in a third world country.  I did live in a subdivision (gated community).  However, I was also raised single handedly by a mom who had worked for a long time in social work (specifically the government’s National Housing Authority office).  While her understanding of government is vast, given that she worked for a government office, she spent less time discussing the technicalities of this, rather talked about her experiences on a personal level- on the field- in projects that were grueling and huge undertakings.  She would tell me stories of her experiences from relocating entire communities of people, to her building a refugee camp (as a transition point for the Vietnamese decades ago- their resilience, she recalls was unlike any other).  She exposed my brother and I as well to certain trips (like going to the children’s ward of Philippines’ General Hospital- which we still do).  This was quite normal to me, that when the school had an outreach field trip, I sometimes wondered what made that a field trip since I assumed families did this.

If there is one thing I can take from what she had exposed me to, and through her stories, it is- humanity.  Simply, that.  I see so many posts on Facebook that are baffling.  It is such a sensitive time and what really IS the right thing to say, the right thing to do?  That’s where I stand.  I’m honestly caught in the question.  It is all very very confusing and painful.  I wish I could offer wisdom or even pose a better question as I see so many others do.  But this is simply the point I am at right now and I don’t know, I simply do not know 😦

 

momentary coincidence.

It’s just been a crazy week guys.  Anything and everything that could have happened, pretty much happened.  Monday was a chill day- after a crazy work schedule over the weekend it was a chill night of drinks with a friend at the Pikey.  I was scrolling through old pictures on my phone to find a photo to show my friend about someone in Manila I was trying to describe.  I found the photo- and upon finding it, I came across old albums as well.  This led me to want to take a screenshot of one of my best friends and I that I found when we were 21 (?).  I do this often with friends, take screenshots of random musings on line that I think they’ll find funny.  I didn’t end up taking the screenshot, figuring I’d just hit my friend up later and send it then as an old find.  After saying good bye and walking back to my car, I get a text message from the same friend I had been thinking about, and had found the photo of- saying that her mom had passed.  After 20 seconds of shock, I called her immediately.

I believe in certain moments in life where there’s something bigger that is with us, speaking to us and present.  I know that coming across the said photo minutes before I got the very disheartening news through text could have been pure coincidence.  But at the same time, I know in some small way, there was a reason for that.  I had a nostalgic moment in thought of my friend, one of my best friends where I missed more than I normally did- simply for the fact that the photo was at the beginning of our friendship.  It made me, if anything, miss her and just want to talk to her a little bit more than usual.  I had no idea that a few minutes later, I absolutely without question had to speak with her.

I cannot imagine or even express how sorry I am for what has happened in this situation.  I am also, unfortunately, not the person who’s the best with words when it comes to this.  But for the past few days, I really have been thinking about it and I’m so sorry.  I’m so so sorry.  I love my friend so much and as she has always been here for me and I for her, that will always remain and I only wish I could physically be there for her right now.